Never Coming Home
by sUmMeRiTh
Summary: She crumpled again into a ball and again her chest wracked with sobs and I am dying a thousand deaths all over again knowing I am the one that did this to her. Shoone.


**Never Coming Home**

_**Summary: "She crumpled again into a ball and again her chest wracked with sobs and I am dying a thousand deaths all over again knowing I am the one that did this to her."**_

_**Shoutout To: orange-tide and rockstarhobbit – you guys are absolutely amazing writers, thanks so much to you both for reviewing The Right To Bleed, especially Kim. You guys made me want to write more, you pulled me out of my slump. This isn't OC (sorry), and you probably wont be interested, but it's for you anyway.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own no Lost people, just like I don't own Ghost Of You. That would be My Chemical Romance… It's not mine.**_

_**A/N: So, it's been done, like a thousand times, but this song was begging me to try… And I can't promise it'll be the last time I do this, because I love Ian and I'm still grieving. Character deaths. R&R.**_

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_I never said I'd lie in wait forever_

He's gone. I missed him the minute those beautiful eyes closed. It's been weeks, maybe months, I can never be sure of time, but I still miss him. How could I not? I think it's run deeper than just missing him. I sit, everyday, staring into the blue void that is the ocean, that swallows every ship that passes by before it can reach us and save us. I don't want to be saved, not now. I cant live without him. I don't want to.

_If I died we'd be together_

Everyone's given up on me. Claire, the not-pregnant-anymore chick, still comes to see me, to talk to me, to hope I'll talk back. Sawyer and Charlie come around sometimes, with the baby, who I've never touched. Jack comes a lot, to be a doctor I guess. Sayid stopped seeing me when he realized that my mourning after Boone was not exactly sisterly. I'm not an influence on the island. I don't help anyone, I never really did but now I don't even help myself. Jack makes me eat. If I died, it wouldn't really matter. These people barely cared about Boone, and he was at least trying to help them. I cant see them doing anything but throwing a party when I die. He was right – we are a joke. Except now that he's gone, it's just me. Me, Shannon Rutherford, the useless joke. I don't think they'd even notice if I died. And I'd be with Boone.

_I can't always just forget her_

I watch her everyday. It's been at least a month since my body died, and I still can't move on. Like always, she's keeping me from moving on. I cant help but hate her at least a little for that, but then I look at her all hunched up on the beach with her ocean eyes leaking and I cant hate her. Maybe if she was off slutting it up with Sayid, I'd hate her, but she's not. She's broken because of me. So I have to hate myself. I watch her because I cant not, I can't forget her. I don't want to move on.

_But she could try  
_

But I want her to.

_At the end of the world_

I remember lying there, on that 'bed' with Jack telling me I wasn't going to die and Shannon wasn't there and I knew. I knew I was dying. I could barely see anything for white lights, and Jack sort of looked like an angel. I closed my eyes and when Shannon finally came I knew for certain I was dying, and she looked even more like an angel. She was crying and she had never looked more beautiful to me.

_Or the last thing I see_

I'm thankful for that. My last Earth-memory was of a beautiful Shannon. Granted, she was crying, which wasn't anything I'd have liked to remember, but it was still her. And she'd left Sayid to be withme, that much I knew. I hated her for being with him while I was dying, but I loved her more because she was here now, touching my hair and crying and saying she was _sorry_.

Shannon never says she's sorry.

And I hated her, but I loved her more, and I hated Locke for doing this to me but I hated myself the most because of my stupidity and because I knew that I was leaving her. And I hated both of us because I think I thought she just said she loved me.

_You are never coming home, never coming home_

A thing that Boone and I had was that he'd travel the globe to find me. And now he can't. He's never coming back to me. This island was fine by me as long as he was here. Now he's not, but it still doesn't matter if I never come home because he wont be there waiting for me.

_Could I? Should I?_

The only way he'd be waiting for me would be if I died, because I know he'd be my angel. He'd save me one last time and in death I could finally be happy with him. Why did he have to die before we got to be happy? One of the many questions I've asked myself after Boone's death. I think there are only two remaining of importance… Should I kill myself? Could I? I already know the answer to the first question… but so far the second one is unanswered.

_And all the things that you never ever told me_

I watch her as she wraps her arms around her legs and draws further into herself. I watch her as she rocks back and forth, shivering in the wind. I watch her as the wind blows her hair away from her face and she looks beautiful. I watch her and again I _know_. She's not going to die. She's stronger than that. But I know she loves me. I wish I was still alive, wish I lived to hear her say it, and not when I'm on my deathbed where it could have just been a hallucination. I wish she'd come to me that morning, before I went off with Locke to meet my doom, and told me that she loved me. I would have stopped pretending to be over her, because clearly I'm not. I would have scooped her up in my arms and kissed her and most importantly I would never have gone and died.

_And all the smiles that are ever, ever, ever  
_

She doesn't smile any more, but dying has not removed my memory. I see her smiles. Smiling with me, through our childhood in those rare times she smiled. When I fixed her dollhouse when she was ten and she smiled. When I let her win Monopoly all those time when she was twelve and she'd run around the house then hug me and smile. When Josh Beauman broke up with her when she was fourteen and I comforted her long into the night and she kissed me and smiled. When Tracey Milton told her that she wasn't the prettiest girl in school any more when she was sixteen and I said she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, ever, and she smiled. When I showed up at her graduation when Mom and her dad didn't and she looked at me and gave me one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen. When I paid off that guy the first time and she smiled. When we declared a truce on the plane and she smiled. When she got through every single asthma attack and every single time I was there and after every one she smiled. When I found her sunglasses and she was all smiles. When she killed me as she looked at Sayid and smiled.

_Get the feeling that you're never_

He isn't coming back, and I think I'm losing control of everything. I'm numb. I hear his voice in my head and I cry. I stare in the ocean and I see Jack pulling him in that day when he tried to save that woman. I look at the fuselage, or whats left of it and I see him comforting me as I screamed, I see him scrambling around trying to help Jack and getting in the way. I look behind me at the trees and I see him disappearing into them to run off with Locke. I look in the sand next to me and I see him sitting there, giving me chocolate, giving me hugs, giving me smiles, giving me all of _him_, all of Boone, and I see myself rejecting that.

_All alone_

I see myself now and I'm sitting alone. I see myself now and I try my hardest to see him next to me but I don't, I never will. He'll never sit next to me on this piece of sand again. I look inside my head and I see his eyes, I see his face, streaked with blood, I see his hair, clotted with blood, I see nothing as tears flood my eyes and my head drops onto my arms and I sob. And I realize that's what Boone is. He's nothing now. He's dead.

_And I remember now_

It was just a hallucination yet it was so real. I honestly thought she was dead. I said I was relieved… And now I wish she had really died then, if I had only known what was coming to me, I would have wanted her dead, to prevent her from feeling how she is feeling. And we could have been together, when I died.

_At the top of my lungs, in my arms_

I still remember her screams as we tore through the jungle, I remember the look on her face as she was ripped away from me, I remember holding her in my arms and howling and sobbing and clutching her bloody torso to mine and wishing, wishing as hard as I could to bring her back. I screamed with agony, or at least I think I did, I might have only imagined that. But the important thing was I thought she was truly dead and I loved her even more.

_She dies, she dies_

She was dead, if only for a minute, and I was anguished but I was still relieved, because if she were dead then we were both free. Me of loving her, and she of this awful island. Only now I see that death does not release you from life. Life releases you from itself when it wants to let you go, when you want to let go. Neither Shannon nor me have let my life go, and so I am very much alive. Had Shannon died I would not have let her go so quickly, either. I believe Sayid would have held onto her, too. Not as much as me, but still, a little. So Shannon would not have truly died, either. But if we both died then there would be no one left for us to hold on for, as we would on for each other. That much is obvious. If we both died we'd be free souls, entwined together for all eternity, together in death as we could never be in life.

_At the end of the world_

I watch her bow her head onto her arms and I watch her sob. I watch her chest heave and her teeth bit her lips and her eyes scrunch up and I watch her open her mouth and let out a glass shattering, angst ridden, deafening, mournful scream. She screamed and she screamed, and the other castaways passing by looked at her in horror, but my eyes displayed sympathy. I know screaming is her coping mechanism, but this time it failed as she crumpled again into a ball and again her chest wracked with sobs and I am dying a thousand deaths all over again knowing I am the one that did this to her.

_Or the last thing I see_

I watch her and I still remember her beautiful tears as they cascaded onto my dying body that was slowly becoming a corpse. I think of this memory and wonder why both of us didn't die in the plane crash. Suddenly I think of her coming home to my mother and having to explain I was dead, and I let in a sharp intake of air. 'Shannon,' I gasped. I didn't want that for her. I remember my last moments again, I remember seeing her, my beautiful crying angel, my baby, my only love, my sister, my lover, and I remember dying, with her name on my lips. It's always her. It's always up to her.

_You are never coming home, never coming home_

I screamed and it didn't help. Didn't work. It always works. It always works when Boone is alive. But he's – dead. I fell into tears again. He was never coming back. Why couldn't I deal with that? I knew other castaways had given me dirty, evillooks when I screamed, because it's been months and I should be other it. They had lost loved ones too, I know, but I don't care. This isn't about them; it's about me, and my pain. My Boone. Where is he? Why isn't he saving me? Why is he failing me? I need him. I spent my life needing him. He's the only man who can fulfil my needs. My brother. I refuse to believe he's dead.

_Could I? Should I?  
_

There are only two remaining questions of importance… Should I kill myself? Could I? I already know the answer to the first question… I know I should. If he can't come to me, I'll come to him. That has always been my rule yet I've never had to act upon it. He's always come to me. But Boone is dead. I cant live without him and the only way to get to him is dying myself. But killing myself would be so weak. And I am anything but weak. Yet as I think about myself, sobbing, balled up in the sand, I start to wonder if I'm really as strong as I like to think I am. I'm probably the weakest person on this island.

_And all the things that you never ever told me_

I wonder if she did say she loved me as I died. I hope she did. She had never told me she loved me, but she knew I loved her. She told me I loved her. Her friends had told her I loved her, told her I watched her, which in death I continue to do. She didn't ever bat an eyelid. _So what, my brother loves me. So does everyone else. Why is it a big deal?_ She never got that I'm so different from everyone else. Love her so much more. And now that I'm dead I think she's finally beginning to understand.

_And all the smiles that are ever gonna hug me_

Her smiles still spin around me. The images, they whirl, they twirl, like she did at her ballet recital when she was nine. In her life she will never smile, but in my death she is forever smiling. Her smiles are haunting me, her tears forgotten. I remember her many kisses, her warm hugs, her formal hugs, her chaste sisterly kisses on the cheek, or her hot kisses with her tongue licking the top of my mouth. Her mouth on mine, I forget everything else as I'm again living the hotel room experience. As again her nails are grabbing my arms and my back and she's biting my shoulder and pulling my hair and screaming my name and I know I love her so much I would die for her. Too bad I never got the chance to.

_Never coming home, never coming home_

I look around and he's still not here. He still isn't coming. I stand up shakily and amble into the jungle. I walk around aimlessly, out of the jungle, onto the beach, into the jungle, out to the caves, back and forth I go until I find him. Where he is. His home, his resting place, the only place I can be sure he is.

_Could I? Should I?_

I forget about him for a second as I realize I'm still shivering. I shove my nails into my sides and I bite my tongue. I lie on the earth and think about dying. My death. Why can't the monster get me now?

_And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
_

I realise I drew blood and I remove my nails from my sides. One wound is opening a little so I bring my hand back up to stop the blood flow. _Another scar,_ I think as I look at the faint, very faint scratches on my wrists. Boone stopped me from cutting, but I still have the scars. His death is another scar to add to my flesh.

_For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me_

I see Shannon hurting herself and I wish that I could save her. I stare at her, I wish I was with her if only for a second. I wish as hard as I can, praying for just one last goodbye.

_If I fall, if I fall down_

I'm falling apart without him. I can feel myself lose it and all I want is Boone to come back.

I'm jolted suddenly. I stop wishing I were withShannon as the pandemonium ensuing surrounds me. I grab at the air but there isn't anything to hold on to. I'm falling, I'm falling down.

_At the end of the world_

It's calm again and I'm still watching her. She's brushing her fingers along my grave, crying silently and whispering my name. She looks up suddenly, her beautiful eyes lost. She looks directly at me and I wonder what in the world is going on. She couldn't possibly see me. Her forehead creases slightly and she chews her tongue. 'Boone?' she asks and I cannot believe it. She can see me.

_Or the last thing I see_

I must only be slightly visible. I know I don't have long. I look at her with the most loving look I possess before I feel myself turning away. Being invisible again, being pulled away from the one person I ever loved. And I fight it as hard as I can.

_You are never coming home, never coming home  
_

I stare at where Boone's – ghost? – was. That could not have possibly happened. But if it did… a few more tears leaked out because he left again without saving me. Then, when there had been absolutely no breeze at all, a fierce wind blew at me and only me. It felt like a hug. It was a warm wind, not cold. It was Boone. I saw a shimmer of him in my arms which lasted a millisecond. His wind surrounded me. As it became calm again, I heard his voice. Saying not 'good bye' but 'I love you', and I knew what I had to do.

_Never coming home, never coming home_

I ran to the caves. I saw Kate, I saw Claire, I saw Charlie, I saw Jack. Sawyer walked past. 'Shannon!' Kate called but I couldn't stay here. I ran through the caves madly until I came to Michael's bed. I looted through his stuff until I found what I was looking for.

_And all the things that you never ever told me_

I told her I loved her and she said nothing back. But that was amazing. I got to hug her one last time. My very last moment with Shannon Rutherford. Maybe now I can move on.

_And all the smiles that are ever gonna hug me_

But I still see her smiles and now I feel her last hug. I look down at her again and she is wearing an odd smile. I think I know what is about to happen and I don't know how I feel about it. Sure, I didn't say good bye because I was hoping she'd take the hint, but she has so much more to live for than she does to die for. I am not a good reason. I screamed out at her to stop.

_Never coming home, never coming home_

He isn't coming back. That was good-bye. Now it's up to me. It's always up to me and I turn him down and I regret that, and even though now I feel the Boone inside of me telling me that he's not worth it, I look down at the knife in my hand and I know that Boone is worth everything.

_Could I? Should I?_

I should do it and I know I can. I think of Boone's face covered in blood, I remember his ghostly hug. I remember that beautiful, pretty man, my brother, my lover, my saviour, and I know I can do it. _In death we will be together always,_ I think, and I plunge Michael's knife exactly where I know my heart is. I think of how ironic it is that I tried to kill myself countless times beforewith cutting and Boone saved me, and now, in my ear I hear his screams not to do it, but I ignore him. And I think of how ironic it is that I, the rich bitch, was killing herself over the stepbrother whom she pretended meant nothing.

_And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me_

I feel myself being lifted and I know this is dying. I look down at my body that I'm leaving behind and I couldn't be happier. I look at the wound in my chest and I watch it heal, I look up and I see Boone with his back to me and I know I am no longer scarred. 'Boone,' I whisper as soon as I am at his level. We are ghosts and we can be together.

'You didn't listen to me, Shan,' he says, his back still to me, 'Why did you do it?'

I force him to turn around and I see he has been crying. Crying for me. He is still beautiful though and he looks every bit alive as he did the morning of the day he died. He looks so distraught and I pull him to me and feel him fill me and think that this is better than any wind-hug. 'You're dead, too,' I whisper. 'We're both dead. You know I cant live without you.'

He pulls back slightly, 'Shannon –'

I shake my head, 'I'm sick of fighting it. Boone –' he looks at me. I look into his marvellous eyes. 'I love you.'

He smiles and I smile and he kisses me. And it's better than any kiss I've ever had, because it's Boone, and it's better than any kiss we've ever shared, because we are not dead but alive in every way because we're together and that's all that matters.

_For all the ghosts that are never gonna_

Shannon is kissing me and she loves me and I feel as fantastic as any dead man ever could. I feel myself being lifted further and Shannon is coming with me and I know we've let go of life, of the island, and we're moving on together. And I don't care what happens next because I love her and she loves me and whether we are dead or alive, she is all that matters.

**Ghost of You – My Chemical Romance**

**_A/N: Okay… I know there are lots of run in sentences but it's a style, I did it that way on purpose. Plus I only had two hours to write this, so I don't exactly love it, but what matters is what you guys think._ _Please, please review._** **_Cheer me up._**

_**I heart Ian... R.I.P. Boone :(**_


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